Muslim Wire

Maybe he has a point?

Posted in Politics, Society by muslimwire on October 21, 2009

This column loves, loves, loves Halloween — the constant percussive white noise of fireworks exploding right outside your door; the whimpering of your terrified dogs as you try to walk them through an environment that would have someone from downtown Fallujah looking for an escape route.

And, of course, the endless parade of greedy, nasty little children knocking at the door for all hours demanding sweets and nuts and then running screaming to their parents when you suggest that if they want something from you, then they had better do something in return.

Actually, you can scratch that last sentence. Ever since a slight misunderstanding recently, the judge ruled that children aren’t allowed within 100 yards of ISpy’s secret lair.

But it seems that not everyone is in on the fun of the occasion.

Reverend John Campbell is organising an online petition to stop Derry Council (or Londonderry, as I imagine he calls it) from hosting a Halloween festival because, he says: “It makes evil look innocent.”

He’s worried that: “It encourages people to get involved in Satanism and brings a curse upon the city. Families are being encouraged to be a part of the carnival.

“Little children are being led astray. We have heard reports of people having sex openly in the streets during and after the parade.”

Satanism? Hedonism? People having sex openly in the streets?

Right, that’s it — ISpy will be filing our column from Derry for the week of their Halloween Festival.

A DISGRACEFUL SLUR

A well respected anthropologist has come up with a rather shocking announcement — modern man is the worst man in the history of men.

In his new book, Manthropology, Australian Peter McAllister says that since the Industrial Revolution, men have been getting wimpier and wimpier and wouldn’t stand a chance of competing against ancient man.

In fact, he goes as far to say that we have all become rather effete lady-boys who are more like cream puffs in comparison to Neanderthal man.

Well, sure, a Neanderthal could chase down a brontosaurus over 100 miles and then strangle the beast with his bare hands.

But could he then take the ribs, gently marinate them in a juniper marinade before slow roasting them and then plating them up with a delicate little hickory smoked mash and some daintily julienned carrots?

Nope, thought not.

Case closed.

(It sure is, but not in the way you think, you fool — ed)

OUTRAGEOUS DISCRIMINATION

France coach Raymond Domonech has a reputation for eccentricity.

Actually, that’s not entirely true. He’s completely bonkers.

And, as we get ready to face the French next month, his character traits are going to come under further examination.

But it seems his interest in astrology has clouded his judgement and turned him into a bigot.

He refuses to pick certain players, for instance, if their star sign is Scorpio.

This is because he thinks Scorpios are stubborn, hysterical, refuse to listen, develop irrational and implacable hatreds of the most mundane things and, basically, they’re all bastards.

And, as this column was born in November (the 14th, for any of you scum who want to send in presents) we can only say — um, what was the question again?

Yup, that’s going to happen

Where do you stand on the British royal family? Do you think that they represent a charming throwback to a time of pomp and pageantry and are basically harmless and should, therefore, be left alone?

Do you think that they’re a bunch of privileged, in-bred Krauts who represent unearned wealth; who epitomise entitlement and arrogance and really, the Brits should take a leaf out of the Bolsheviks’ play book and herd them all into a basement and give them a lead injection?

Or, like this column, do you see them as nothing more than people who unwittingly provide an endless source of amusement, from Philip the Greek, who makes Alf Garnett look like a Guardian-reading member of the Green Party, to their grandson Harry and his habit of getting pissed and wearing Nazi uniforms?

Well, this column’s old mate, Muslim whackjob Anjem Choudary has an interesting idea for Betty — he wants her to convert to Islam.

According to the former dope-smoking, beer-drinking, porn-watching Choudary: “We invite everyone from the Queen, to the ministers, to the parliament, to the aristocracy, to the ordinary person to embrace Islam.”

And why would the Queen and all her minions want to embrace this medieval, desert superstition which has no place in modern Europe?

Well, according to good old Anjem: “Save yourself and your children in this life from misery and prepare them for a great destiny in the hereafter.”

When asked what he thought of the forthcoming British election, he said he has no interest in “elections and democracy” and that Britain needs an Islamic revolution.

No elections? Doesn’t believe in democracy? Wants to establish a dogmatic, totalitarian state?

Dear Lord — is Anjem Choudary secretly a member of Fianna Fail?

ESSENTIAL SOUNDS

It’s hard at this remove to explain to young music fans just how important REM’s debut Murmur (1983) was.

Nothing had been heard like that before and, despite innumerable imitators of its dense, ethereal sounds and Stipe’s mumbling lyrics, nothing has been heard like it since.

Let’s put it this way — there was nothing here to give the impression that the band were ever going to be the stadium behemoths they later became.

DVD TIME

Harry Dean Stanton stars as a man who has lost his memory after walking out on his wife in the beautiful, haunting Paris, Texas (1984).

To recover, he must face some uncomfortable truths and take responsibility for the carnage he has caused.

Sample quote: “I used to make long speeches to you after you left. I used to talk to you all the time. Now I don’t know what to say.”

Irish Independent

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